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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next ; morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were t here any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________________ _______________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-----------------------------------o0o----------------------------------------------------
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
q: : How far away he was from the accident.
a: : The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
q: : What? How come you are so sure of that distance?
a: : Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!
q: : What is your date of birth?
a: : July fifteenth.
q: : What year?
a: : Every year.
q: :could you see him from where you were standing?
a: :I could see his head.
q: :and where was his head?
a: :just above his shoulders.
q: :any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
a: :the victim lived.
q: : how was your first marriage terminated?
a: : by death.
q: : and by whose death was it terminated?
q: : now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
a: : did you actually pass the bar exam?
q: : the youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
q: : How old is your son - the one living with you.
a: : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
q: : How long has he lived with you?
a: : Forty-five years.
q: : And where was the location of the accident?
a: : Approximately milepost 499.
q: : And where is milepost 499?
a: : Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
q: : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
a: : We both do.
q: : Voodoo?
a: : We do.
q: : You do?
a: : Yes, voodoo.
q: : Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
a: : Yes.
q: : Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
a: : Yes, sir.
q: : What did she say?
a: : What disco am I at?
q: : I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
a: : That's me.
q: : Were you present when that picture was taken?
q: : Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
q: : Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
a: : I'll be three months on November 8.
q: : Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
a: : Yes.
q: : What were you doing at that time?
q: : How many times have you committed suicide?
a: : Four times.
q: : You don't know what it was and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
q: : Have you lived in this town all your life?
a: : Not yet.
q: : How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
q: : You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
a: : I refuse to answer that question.
q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
a: : I refuse to answer that question.
q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
a: : No.
q: : Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
a: : No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
q: : Were you acquainted with the deceased?
a: : Yes sir.
q: : Before or after he died?
q: : And you check your radar unit frequently?
a: : Officer: "Yes, I do."
q: : And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
a: : Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.
q: : Lawyer: "What happened then?
a: : He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
q: : Did he kill you?
a: : Witness: "No.
q: : Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
a: : Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
q: : So you were gone until you returned?
q: : You say the stairs went down to the basement?
a: : Yes.
q: : And these stairs, did they go up also?
q: : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
a: : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
q: : You were not shot in the fracas?
a: : No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
q: : What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
a: : There were traces of semen.
q: : Male semen?
a: : That's the only kind I know of.
q: : So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it,what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
a: : I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
q: : It was covered?
a: : Yes. Bandaged.
q: : Then, later on, what did you see?
a: : I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
q: : Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
a: : "I swear by Almighty God."
q: : "That the evidence that I give..."
a: : That's right.
q: : Repeat it.
a: : "Repeat it".
q: : No! Repeat what I said.
a: : What you said when?
q: : "That the evidence that I give..."
a: : "That the evidence that I give."
q: : "Shall be the truth and..."
a: : It will, and nothing but the truth!
q: : Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
a: : I'm not a scholar, you know.
q: : We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
a: : "Shall be the truth and."
q: : Say: "Nothing...".
a: : Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
a: : Yes.
q: : Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
a: : Yes.
q: : Well? Do so.
a: : You're confusing me.
q: : Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
a: : Okay. I understand.
q: : Then say it.
a: : What?
q: : "Nothing but the truth..."
a: : But I do! That's just it.
q: : You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
a: : I WILL say nothing but the truth!
q: : Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
a: : What? You mean, like, now?
q: : Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
a: : "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
q: : Thank you.
a: : I'm just not a scholar.
q: : On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
a: : I did.
q: : And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
a: : I did.
q: : And did you observe anything?
a: : I did. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
a: : I saw George.
q: : You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
a: : Yes.
q: : Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
a: : Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, would you kindly do so?
a: : He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
q: : His "thing"?
a: : You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
q: : You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
a: : Yes.
q: : Did you say anything to him?
a: : Of course I did!
q: : What did you say to him?
a: : "Morning, George
